Armstrong House Tour: Dining Room Edition

I've been meaning to do a house tour for a while, but what with the military's inconsistency, we still have yet to fully unpack and we have wall decor sitting on the floor since it never made it to the wall, and therefore have a slightly chaotic household. With Atlas, too, and how much time and work he needs, I've yet to find time to move things out of the way to take pictures. 

The clutter has been getting to me, though, and it's been raining all day, so I took advantage of this "lazy" day and started this (finally) by tackling the dining room. I'll be doing this in segments, so be on the look out for future editions, featuring our kitchen, bedroom, living room, and other rooms in our house!

Afternoon Playtime

First of all, our little Atlas is 12 weeks old, now! In the three weeks we've had him, he's already put on about 10 lbs and I'm fairly certain he's doubled in size. Evidence for this is found in the fact that he not only scarfs down all his food, a new things for him to do, but it's getting much more difficult to carry him up and down the stairs. That and the little girls next door tell us about how much bigger he is every time they see him. We're going to have a big boy on our hands!

The lighting outside was perfect the other day, so I decided it was time to try and take real pictures of Atlas, just like I do with Morris. We got lucky and picked a dog who is pretty good about staying close while he's off his leash outside (knock on wood). It also helps that he's obsessed with chewing on every and any stick, so he found a wood chunk and just chewed away while Momma snapped away. James was also outside repotting some of his plants and he came down for some play time with the puppy once we was done. 

Announcement! (No, Not Pregnant.)

As if you hadn't gotten the idea already, I have an announcement that I'd like to share. This is more for my own good and to make sure I follow through on this, but I have decided to share an idea that I've been contemplating for a while. After a phone call today with my best friend who simply told me herself that I should write a book, my contemplation has now become a decision.

I have decided to write a book! 

Yes, a whole book. Ultimately, if I think it's good enough, I'd like to see it get published. I'm sure that's the ultimate goal of every writer and author. And not just published, but to see it on shelves in bookstores. Right now, that seems like a lofty goal and something that really isn't plausible, especially considering that this would be my first book and I have no real idea as to how to even tackle such a task, but you really never know. J.K. Rowling had an idea on a train that turned into a 7 books phenomena that turned into millions of dollars, countless merchandise, and a movie deal. I'm not even close to saying that I'm going to be the next J.K., but she gives me hope that my book might get published one day. 

For now, though, my goal is to just write a book. From start to finish. By doing this, I'm actually doing something for myself. I'm starting on a project that I'll be able to do no matter what situation, no matter where I live or where I might be living three months from now, that can be done without the influence of anyone but myself. I don't need it to be perfect, for people to love it, or for it to be a huge success. Success to me would be sticking to this goal and seeing it through, for doing something fully and solely for me. It would be for me to write, write, write, and just finish a whole book. That in itself is a large ambition, but I feel that I'm not biting off more than I can chew. It is a realistic goal that I can do, and by writing it down for all to see, it becomes all the more realistic.

So, readers, you have now joined me in my journey to write a book. Look forward to updates, angsty venting sessions full of frustration, positive posts about how this was one of the best things I could do for myself, and other things related to this. Maybe even excerpts of my writing. Who knows?! Time will tell, but one things I'm sure of. I'm excited about this conclusion I've come to and I'm looking forward to what I have ahead of me.

A Letter (Of Sorts) to My Best Friend

Photo courtesy of Megan Eliza Photography

For those of you who haven't heard through Facebook, my best friend has made the remarkable decision to serve selflessly in the Peace Corps for the next 27 months and the day her journey starts has finally come. It seems like just yesterday when she made such a large decision, but really, that was months ago and here we are, many months later and her grabbing onto the handle of this door she is about to open.

We were a mere 15 years old when we met and never at that time did I know that you were going to be someone who I would want in my life for the rest of my life. All I was at the time was an insecure teenage girl who didn't like change and my sassy standoffish demeanor did not deny that. And, like the good friend she is, I'm reminded of this of all the time. But, I'm willing to bet that Susan had no idea that this sour faced girl would be someone who would become family. As I've also mentioned before, she showed up to history class one day with an entire cake in her hands and I knew she was okay after that. She was a good change. 

It seems so long ago that we became friends (well, we're on 7 years, so I guess that is a long time), but I really feel that she's been part of my life for so much longer. It truly feels like she has been my sister since the day I was born. A sister who just happened to have a different set of parents, but parents who I have grown to love and look at as parents of my own. At times, I can be a hard person to love and get along with. I head butt change as much as I can, I'm more stubborn than just about every person who walks this planet, I can be incredibly standoffish, and I'm hard to get to know. None of this ever stopped Susan, and I thank the Big Man upstairs every day for blessing me with her own stubbornness of never giving up on me. And not just her refusal to not get to know me, but for the influence she's had on my entire life. 

Easily one of the most friendly people I've ever met, Susan loves my family with open arms, made it known that she would beat up James should he ever hurt me, showed me that our stubbornness combined could never be beat, helped me learn to live with an open mind and heart that does not judge, has been my sounding board and voice of reason, and has pushed me to be a better person all around. When I lost touch with a lot of my friends in high school because of my knee, Susan didn't let that happen. At 15 years old, she biked from her house to mine to visit me after my surgery and didn't judge me or run away when I was there in my living room, unshowered and strapped up to a lot of scary looking machines. Instead, she gave me love and support and let me know that I wasn't alone in that horribly hard time of my life. She has continued to do the same since then and has been there through thick and thin, good and bad. 

One of the biggest things that always stuck out to me about Susan was her favorite quote. At least, her favorite in high school. "Be the change you with to see in the world." A mutual friend of ours mentioned this perfectly. Susan was never out to just live, she was always out to make a difference in someone's life and to be a change. When we were 16, Susan threw a Christmas party and instead of doing a secret Santa or giving gifts, she asked that attendees bring a toy for Toys for Tots to help and give to the kids who wouldn't have gifts were it not for that organization. From the time that I've known her, she has always wanted to change the world, and here she is, being the change. Not many would be willing to give up two years of their life to kids in a third world country, purely for service. Susan is embarking to Malawi in Africa, the most impoverished country in the world. She's leaving to go serve as a teacher and teach English to these children who would otherwise not have this education. The difference she is bringing to them cannot have a value placed on it, because it is entirely priceless. A big hand goes to those who raised her, because the Susan I know is an impeccable person, a person I strive to be like all the time and try to emulate her politeness, her selflessness, and her large heart. 

So, Susan, here's to you. Thank you for all of the good times we've had together, for being my Maid of Honor and my Best Friend and my sister, for all of the skype dates and phone calls, for the cake and food items in Vitale's class, for passing silly girl notes to each other in English, for being someone that I look forward to introducing to my eventual children as Aunt Susan, for including me in your life, and for giving me the best friendship I could ever have asked for. You've already been the change in my world, as you have for many other of our friends. These sweet souls in Africa are so lucky to have you give them such a sincere and priceless gift and I truly could not think of anyone better to teach them. I'm excited (but sad, of course, because I miss you heaps now and am going to miss you heaps more over the next 2 years) for this adventure and to see how much you are going to change this world after you get back. The change does not stop after, this is only the beginning. I love you, and enjoy every second in Malawi. 

Battling BARE

I had a lot of insight last night, through facebook and this website, nonetheless. Among reading through a group I am in on facebook and some of the blogs I follow on here, I realized that I don't quite post "personal" things. Yes, the pictures taken and put on here are personal, as are the stories behind them and the experiences, but not much of it is very deep. 

I follow the blog of a girl who I met through church who is going through quite the trial right now, one that is truly fearful and terrifying. Yet, despite this and her own personal feelings, she doesn't shy away from sharing these intimate thoughts, and her strength has inspired me to share my own. As has one other blogger, who had made the point that with life in general, there's a lot of pressure to portray your life as perfect and that you have everything together, even though that idea is just absurd for just about everyone. No one has their life completely together, including me, and there is no sense in trying to keep up that persona. 

In this photography group I joined on facebook, a fellow member had made a post inquiring if anyone had done what is called a "Battling BARE" shoot. Curious, I googled the cause and came across numerous articles and a facebook page that were praising this cause that promotes PTSD and creates a support group for those who have or know of someone struggling with this disorder. For a long time, I've been looking for some kind of network like this. Not necessarily for the comfort of a social network, but for insight on how I can better help James deal with this. It is truly sad how little information there is for people in my position. Books are hard to find, forums say all the basics and repeat the same thing, many people are incredibly unsupportive, and therapists don't even know what to tell me sometimes. It's a hard situation to be in, particularly when I see James struggling so much sometimes and feelings entirely helpless to him. 

I feel that people don't quite realize the strain PTSD puts on the people who aren't suffering from this disorder, but are suffering with the one who is. Sometimes, I just feel invisible and that people are ignorant to the role I've fallen into with this. And when I say this, by no means am I saying that I have it worse than those who combat it every single day and feel its weight in all entirety. I don't, and I would never try to play that card. I cannot know or understand the stress that comes with it, the experiences that cause it, what it's like to live with that dark passenger every hour. But, I do know what it's like to watch it and experience someone with it, to live with someone who constantly deals with this strife.

I have...heard things and seen things no spouse, no family member, no friend ever wants to see or hear from their loved one. I will not get into the worst of it, but I see James completely disconnect sometimes. I see the light leave his eyes and I can tell when he goes into a dark place, I see him get stressed over the stupidest of things, I hear him tell me how the perfect person would be someone he's never met because all he wants is to be completely alone and isolated, even from me. These are some of the more mild things I've had the horrible pleasure of witnessing, all of which I would gladly do without and would not miss this experience were it not to happen. But, I deal and I push forward, because I know that these horrible things said and done and see are not my husband. The monster that has clung to him and that now resides in him is not him, not by any means. How harshly he's been abused is not his fault, and he would never have chosen this path for life. At the end of the day, how things are are not how or who my husband is and deep down in there, this monster is holding his true self hostage. It does a great job of holding him, but every now and then, I see him for who he really is and this former self peeks through. I fight every day for him, especially because I see him fighting, too. And no one going through this should EVER combat this alone. 

The burden of being in this position is a constant battle, though, and it seems to get heavier every day. There are so many emotions that accompany this spot, emotions ranging from feeling alone to feeling helpless to feelings angry that James and his friends have been kicked so many times after they've been down and beaten down so severely that they now suffer with this horrible monster that will reside with them for the rest of their lives. I'm constantly tired, constantly stressed, constantly worried, and constantly trying. Trying to remain positive, helpful, to not be a stress...so many things. 

That is where Battling BARE comes in. In the military, there is a horrible stigma behind wives: They're just wives. I will not get into the whole cause, but this woman came up with the idea that the "just wives" can make a statement by creating powerful images with a pledge to promote awareness and to let those who support our wounded service members that they are not alone, not by any means. It's a support system that promotes letting yourself be heard, especially when you feel that you're at a loss and wits end. And, most importantly, it shows all of those fighting the battle that is PTSD how much support they really do have, even when it feels like no one is giving them a helping hand. I am all to familiar with watching James struggle as he reached out for help for so long, only to see that no one was willing to really grab onto him and commit. 

I love this network. I love the audacity they have to take somewhat controversial images of themselves to be heard, to show that this disorder should not be ignored, to show that no one is "just" anything. No one is unimportant. And, even though this is not a concept the cause has adopted, I love it because it somewhat symbolizes that PTSD is an invisible thing. It's a coward that hides under clothes, behind skin, within the body and out of sight. Unless you have knowledge of someone suffering from it, all you see is an angry person, an alcoholic, a jerk, someone who's jumpy, someone who's hyper vigilant and over reacts to everything. You would never know. All suffer silently, and I love that the awareness they bring is through something silent. 

James and I have a long road to go with this, especially James. Even though we've come so far with things, there is still so much to combat against and so much work to be done. He's received so much more help recently, and that alone gives me hope. It's been a vicious and horrible fight to get it, but help has come, and I feel that it will continue to. I admire him to no end for being so strong, so resilient, and so determined to keep fighting the fight. If nothing else, I am tremendously proud of my husband for not giving in and for being so meek in receiving whatever treatment people deem needed. He is, in all essence of the word, a warrior and the bravest person I know. His willingness to listen and to press on during the worst of times are what show me that light is ahead and what give me my own strength to continue to support him however need be, no matter how tumultuous the road ahead of him, I, and us looks. 

And, after all this, cheers to more personal and in depth posts. Cheers to letting go of the pressure to be perfect, to portray a perfectly together life, to just being okay with how things are and not feeling guilt or ill feelings for them not being better. 

Introducing Atlas!

I would like to introduce the newest member of our little family, Atlas! We welcomed this little 9.8 lb., 9 week old cuddling professional into our family on Wednesday.

So far, we've discovered that this little guy has separation anxiety to the max, likes to try to herd the both of us, is a social butterfly, enjoys trying to run after cars, is incredibly smart, and has a keen liking for peanut butter. He likes to lay with his legs sticking out behind his bum, chewing on his big bone, and eating dog treats.

We're working on crate training and already have almost gotten down the commands sit, down, and crate! Like I said, we have a smarty on our hands. 

James and I (especially James) are smitten with this little Australian Shepherd and we couldn't be happier with this addition to our clan. 

You're Home!

Morris is a Daddy's boy. Well, he's really a separation anxiety boy with a hint of "how dare you leave me at any point in time." During the day while James is at work, it's rare when he leaves my side or the room I'm in. We're not allowed to be separated, ever. 

However, that all changes when James gets home from work. Every day, as soon as he parks his car and walks up to the door, Morris runs from wherever he is to greet him and shortly after, it's straight into his lap once he sits down on the couch. He is literally obsessed with him when he gets back from work.

And I, of course, think it's the cutest thing in the world. It doesn't matter if it's a lap or a rear or a head or an arm, Morris is on it and he just needs his Dad time.