Battling BARE

I had a lot of insight last night, through facebook and this website, nonetheless. Among reading through a group I am in on facebook and some of the blogs I follow on here, I realized that I don't quite post "personal" things. Yes, the pictures taken and put on here are personal, as are the stories behind them and the experiences, but not much of it is very deep. 

I follow the blog of a girl who I met through church who is going through quite the trial right now, one that is truly fearful and terrifying. Yet, despite this and her own personal feelings, she doesn't shy away from sharing these intimate thoughts, and her strength has inspired me to share my own. As has one other blogger, who had made the point that with life in general, there's a lot of pressure to portray your life as perfect and that you have everything together, even though that idea is just absurd for just about everyone. No one has their life completely together, including me, and there is no sense in trying to keep up that persona. 

In this photography group I joined on facebook, a fellow member had made a post inquiring if anyone had done what is called a "Battling BARE" shoot. Curious, I googled the cause and came across numerous articles and a facebook page that were praising this cause that promotes PTSD and creates a support group for those who have or know of someone struggling with this disorder. For a long time, I've been looking for some kind of network like this. Not necessarily for the comfort of a social network, but for insight on how I can better help James deal with this. It is truly sad how little information there is for people in my position. Books are hard to find, forums say all the basics and repeat the same thing, many people are incredibly unsupportive, and therapists don't even know what to tell me sometimes. It's a hard situation to be in, particularly when I see James struggling so much sometimes and feelings entirely helpless to him. 

I feel that people don't quite realize the strain PTSD puts on the people who aren't suffering from this disorder, but are suffering with the one who is. Sometimes, I just feel invisible and that people are ignorant to the role I've fallen into with this. And when I say this, by no means am I saying that I have it worse than those who combat it every single day and feel its weight in all entirety. I don't, and I would never try to play that card. I cannot know or understand the stress that comes with it, the experiences that cause it, what it's like to live with that dark passenger every hour. But, I do know what it's like to watch it and experience someone with it, to live with someone who constantly deals with this strife.

I have...heard things and seen things no spouse, no family member, no friend ever wants to see or hear from their loved one. I will not get into the worst of it, but I see James completely disconnect sometimes. I see the light leave his eyes and I can tell when he goes into a dark place, I see him get stressed over the stupidest of things, I hear him tell me how the perfect person would be someone he's never met because all he wants is to be completely alone and isolated, even from me. These are some of the more mild things I've had the horrible pleasure of witnessing, all of which I would gladly do without and would not miss this experience were it not to happen. But, I deal and I push forward, because I know that these horrible things said and done and see are not my husband. The monster that has clung to him and that now resides in him is not him, not by any means. How harshly he's been abused is not his fault, and he would never have chosen this path for life. At the end of the day, how things are are not how or who my husband is and deep down in there, this monster is holding his true self hostage. It does a great job of holding him, but every now and then, I see him for who he really is and this former self peeks through. I fight every day for him, especially because I see him fighting, too. And no one going through this should EVER combat this alone. 

The burden of being in this position is a constant battle, though, and it seems to get heavier every day. There are so many emotions that accompany this spot, emotions ranging from feeling alone to feeling helpless to feelings angry that James and his friends have been kicked so many times after they've been down and beaten down so severely that they now suffer with this horrible monster that will reside with them for the rest of their lives. I'm constantly tired, constantly stressed, constantly worried, and constantly trying. Trying to remain positive, helpful, to not be a stress...so many things. 

That is where Battling BARE comes in. In the military, there is a horrible stigma behind wives: They're just wives. I will not get into the whole cause, but this woman came up with the idea that the "just wives" can make a statement by creating powerful images with a pledge to promote awareness and to let those who support our wounded service members that they are not alone, not by any means. It's a support system that promotes letting yourself be heard, especially when you feel that you're at a loss and wits end. And, most importantly, it shows all of those fighting the battle that is PTSD how much support they really do have, even when it feels like no one is giving them a helping hand. I am all to familiar with watching James struggle as he reached out for help for so long, only to see that no one was willing to really grab onto him and commit. 

I love this network. I love the audacity they have to take somewhat controversial images of themselves to be heard, to show that this disorder should not be ignored, to show that no one is "just" anything. No one is unimportant. And, even though this is not a concept the cause has adopted, I love it because it somewhat symbolizes that PTSD is an invisible thing. It's a coward that hides under clothes, behind skin, within the body and out of sight. Unless you have knowledge of someone suffering from it, all you see is an angry person, an alcoholic, a jerk, someone who's jumpy, someone who's hyper vigilant and over reacts to everything. You would never know. All suffer silently, and I love that the awareness they bring is through something silent. 

James and I have a long road to go with this, especially James. Even though we've come so far with things, there is still so much to combat against and so much work to be done. He's received so much more help recently, and that alone gives me hope. It's been a vicious and horrible fight to get it, but help has come, and I feel that it will continue to. I admire him to no end for being so strong, so resilient, and so determined to keep fighting the fight. If nothing else, I am tremendously proud of my husband for not giving in and for being so meek in receiving whatever treatment people deem needed. He is, in all essence of the word, a warrior and the bravest person I know. His willingness to listen and to press on during the worst of times are what show me that light is ahead and what give me my own strength to continue to support him however need be, no matter how tumultuous the road ahead of him, I, and us looks. 

And, after all this, cheers to more personal and in depth posts. Cheers to letting go of the pressure to be perfect, to portray a perfectly together life, to just being okay with how things are and not feeling guilt or ill feelings for them not being better.